Now, I am no biologist, nor scientist except when it comes to "trying" to figure out this crazy life! BUUUUT, I have come up with a new not-so-scientific theory about women.
I got my period yesterday (I know, TMI!), but it made me think:
The whole month, our bodies prepare for the implantation of egg and sperm. So, leading up to ovulation, it is our biological imperative to make that happen; which is why so many women have a higher libido during this time period. After a certain period of time, but perhaps weeks before our period actually "arrives", our body is aware that an implant did NOT occur. But, our uterus lining is still beefing up 'just in case' there IS something there. At some point, days before our period, our whole system realizes the failure of the "prime directive" (pregnancy), and our body mourns. PMS is, in MY MIND, a mourning for what our biological self has lost or NOT accomplished.
Of course we are sad, moody and tired. Part of the moodiness is the disconnect I think we have now as humans with our own bodies. It is a disconnect that we are unaware of for the most part, but it's like an itch---the moodiness and sadness is itching at us to understand the loss...acknowledge it and to try harder next month! Our drive as humans is to spread our seed; to continue our genetic code into the future...it is imperative to do so. No, most of us do NOT think of ourselves as spreading our seeds or needing to continue our own genetic code, but it is the primal drive that has spurred our evolutionary success.
So...then you get cramps and feel generally like crap for a few days while your body drains from it the very thing it created to continue your life---genetically speaking of course.
And guess what? Even while you are being drained of this life force, it is now rebuilding again within, deep within us and the hormone surge and drive to procreate begins again. And this goes on for about 40 years give or take for most women. If all we EVER did was deal with this swing our bodies go through, we would be busy! And in some cultures, mostly native cultures....the time which we drain, (when we have our periods to laypeople!!), there is a tent, or a cave, or a hut, or a quiet place where we are allowed to gather ourselves, our emotional selves as well as physical...back together in peace and calm......so that we may exit the tent to rejoin others refreshed! (yes, to begin our quest to be implanted with the seed again!)
I think we really need to honor how incredibly strong women are, how incredible it is to BE a woman--we need to try and bring back into our present day lives, some of the honor and understanding of womanhood. I think even the men would be happy to help out!
For those of you that liked this writing, read THE RED TENT, Anita Daimant It is an interesting read about how previous cultures honored the blood.
Sharing a little stardust...........
Groovin'
7/2/09
7/1/09
English Sonnet
This is a work done by an unschooler for a college scholarship:
I think it is pretty incredible! Written by "Roxana"
An English sonnet may be an unconventional (and extraordinarily nerdy)
choice for a scholarship essay, but I've never been a conventional
person (though, I've always been a nerd). As I considered the question
of what moment I would "do over," I kept thinking of Shakespeare' s line
about man being the sum total of his experiences. That was what I wanted
to express - I can't change or redo anything in my past, because without
even the worst moments of my life, I would not be who I am today. Well,
I decided, the sonnet form worked pretty well for Shakespeare, so why
not for me? Therefore, without further ado (much of it about nothing),
here is
"Scholarship Sonnet No. 1"
To choose a moment that I'd want to be
Redone; one day that I could try again,
Sounds like the stuff of sci-fi books to me--
And we all know how those plots always end!
My life is not a list of past regrets,
Of things I wish undone or blush to hear.
I'd not unmeet one person that I've met,
Nor throw away a day, a week, a year.
I am the sum of all that's in my past,
Not just the good, I also am the bad,
Despite the times I wished to get through fast,
I don't regret the life that I have had.
No person's perfect, every life is mixed:
No moment would I wish gone, changed, or fixed.
I think it is pretty incredible! Written by "Roxana"
An English sonnet may be an unconventional (and extraordinarily nerdy)
choice for a scholarship essay, but I've never been a conventional
person (though, I've always been a nerd). As I considered the question
of what moment I would "do over," I kept thinking of Shakespeare' s line
about man being the sum total of his experiences. That was what I wanted
to express - I can't change or redo anything in my past, because without
even the worst moments of my life, I would not be who I am today. Well,
I decided, the sonnet form worked pretty well for Shakespeare, so why
not for me? Therefore, without further ado (much of it about nothing),
here is
"Scholarship Sonnet No. 1"
To choose a moment that I'd want to be
Redone; one day that I could try again,
Sounds like the stuff of sci-fi books to me--
And we all know how those plots always end!
My life is not a list of past regrets,
Of things I wish undone or blush to hear.
I'd not unmeet one person that I've met,
Nor throw away a day, a week, a year.
I am the sum of all that's in my past,
Not just the good, I also am the bad,
Despite the times I wished to get through fast,
I don't regret the life that I have had.
No person's perfect, every life is mixed:
No moment would I wish gone, changed, or fixed.
6/26/09
157 Westcott Road
I have written before about the meaning of PLACE. Gram and Grampy's house was sold today. Grampy designed it and had it built over 50 years ago and lived there since the day they could move in. My mom and her 2 brothers grew up there--it is where I spent most Christmas' over the years and many summers, parties, birthdays, Thanksgivings, Easters, family dinners, celebrations of passage, etc.
It is the driveway that we drove away from each time, with tears in my eyes at the sight of my Gram and Grampy waving goodbye. That always killed me, as usually I was driving away to not see them again for quite some time. The last time I drove out of that driveway I drove away from no one. I didn't realize it would be my last visit there. I still somehow thought that place would continue to BE there for me, for our family. I understand why my mother and her brothers chose to sell the property.....I do. But, I am stricken and shocked by the response I feel to losing that last piece of my grandparents. It's like everything is fading into "a great memory" and I don't feel happy being filled up by memories...it is not enough....I want more! I want them back in my life in the flesh, and want things to continue on as they had been for so many years.
I must just lie to myself all the time about how I "embrace" change and all that. I guess I don't! I suppose I would be very happy if time stood still many years ago. And the worst part of it is that even if I could embrace all of these changes, the knowing that so many more things will some day just be "great memories" and my heart will be filled with memories but my life empty of the people that make them.
I think this is dreadful....I am dreading it. Yeah, I have millions of great memories of 157 Westcott Road. I do not like that this is now someone else's address.
It is the driveway that we drove away from each time, with tears in my eyes at the sight of my Gram and Grampy waving goodbye. That always killed me, as usually I was driving away to not see them again for quite some time. The last time I drove out of that driveway I drove away from no one. I didn't realize it would be my last visit there. I still somehow thought that place would continue to BE there for me, for our family. I understand why my mother and her brothers chose to sell the property.....I do. But, I am stricken and shocked by the response I feel to losing that last piece of my grandparents. It's like everything is fading into "a great memory" and I don't feel happy being filled up by memories...it is not enough....I want more! I want them back in my life in the flesh, and want things to continue on as they had been for so many years.
I must just lie to myself all the time about how I "embrace" change and all that. I guess I don't! I suppose I would be very happy if time stood still many years ago. And the worst part of it is that even if I could embrace all of these changes, the knowing that so many more things will some day just be "great memories" and my heart will be filled with memories but my life empty of the people that make them.
I think this is dreadful....I am dreading it. Yeah, I have millions of great memories of 157 Westcott Road. I do not like that this is now someone else's address.
6/16/09
Self Design
This is the great book I have had for about 5 years now, and they have a website that offers a sort of guided learning experience that is similiar to unschooling--hard to explain, you have to see it and read about it!
It's called Self Design. A friend of mine was reading it at the time I was reading one of my favorite Lyall Watson books (Supernature), and was talking about the Fibonocci series of numbers. The guy, Brent Cameron, who wrote Self Design, also talks about the Fibonocci series and does an amazing thing with it in regards to helping people set a new path for themselves as well as reflect upon the path they have already traveled. They draw the spiral (just like the chambered nautilus) into the sand, and use the Fibonacci series (0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55,89,144....) as ages marked where you stand according to your current age.....and look out at the spiral of life ahead. Anyway--this was what started my fascination with his work and that experiment is so amazing and empowering....I have long wanted to do this with a group here.
I have posted a few times about the Fibonocci series---do you know that the golden ratio is also represented in our galaxy, in flowers, in our hands, in the way the sun and earth move in space.....the exact same ratio found from a cellular level to a astral level.......if you aren't familiar with this yet, it makes great reading and is astounding and life-affirming to see this stuff for yourself!!
CHILDREN ARE NATURAL GENUISES
I love understanding that children are natural geniuses. I came across a book called "Cosmography" by Buckminster Fuller, and in it he wrote the following--
"All children are born geniuses, but are swiftly de-geniused by their elder's harsh or dull dismissal of the child's INTUITIVE sense of what could be relevant. Children spontaneously weigh all information from their immediate experience and try to relate it to to other experiences of some time before. The incipient geniuses must somehow weather, year after year, the barrage of admonitions to ignore what they spontaneously think, instead of only paying attention to what other think and are trying to teach.
I think of all the times I have witnessed this happening....all the times I have done it myself. just something as simple as doubting whether or not a child is "full" when they push away from their plates is pulling them away from their natural genius. When a child is continually asked and reasked questions they have already answered, such as "do you have to go to the bathroom?" Or, when a child says "I am scared" and the adult answers "there is nothing to be scared about."
How about "What is scaring you?" or, "what can I do to help you?"
THEN of course, comes traditional schooling.......it could possibly be the most abusive thing we do as human beings to one another. WHY do children need to have all of their rights, their freedom, their choices taken from them at such a young age? Is it so that they can learn to "live in the real world"? You have all heard me say this a million times...now I ask; "if this is the real world that we have created; a world lacking personal freedoms, lack of choice and stress, why do we want to continue to feed this monster?" I think the treadmill vision answers that quite well.....but I look at it more as a hamster wheel and don't want my kids on it. There ARE other paths to being a human being....other paths to "success" or "happiness" than what is presented as the American blanket view.
Jean Leidloff wrote "Continuum Concept" and in her book she talks about the trust that the parents, the adults in the cultures (tribal) have for the children. Her experience with these peoples and her book about it, have shown to me even more evidence that we have so many more choices for how we raise our children, for how our children interact with the world and how we come face to face with it.
"All children are born geniuses, but are swiftly de-geniused by their elder's harsh or dull dismissal of the child's INTUITIVE sense of what could be relevant. Children spontaneously weigh all information from their immediate experience and try to relate it to to other experiences of some time before. The incipient geniuses must somehow weather, year after year, the barrage of admonitions to ignore what they spontaneously think, instead of only paying attention to what other think and are trying to teach.
I think of all the times I have witnessed this happening....all the times I have done it myself. just something as simple as doubting whether or not a child is "full" when they push away from their plates is pulling them away from their natural genius. When a child is continually asked and reasked questions they have already answered, such as "do you have to go to the bathroom?" Or, when a child says "I am scared" and the adult answers "there is nothing to be scared about."
How about "What is scaring you?" or, "what can I do to help you?"
THEN of course, comes traditional schooling.......it could possibly be the most abusive thing we do as human beings to one another. WHY do children need to have all of their rights, their freedom, their choices taken from them at such a young age? Is it so that they can learn to "live in the real world"? You have all heard me say this a million times...now I ask; "if this is the real world that we have created; a world lacking personal freedoms, lack of choice and stress, why do we want to continue to feed this monster?" I think the treadmill vision answers that quite well.....but I look at it more as a hamster wheel and don't want my kids on it. There ARE other paths to being a human being....other paths to "success" or "happiness" than what is presented as the American blanket view.
Jean Leidloff wrote "Continuum Concept" and in her book she talks about the trust that the parents, the adults in the cultures (tribal) have for the children. Her experience with these peoples and her book about it, have shown to me even more evidence that we have so many more choices for how we raise our children, for how our children interact with the world and how we come face to face with it.
6/15/09
ONCE UPON A TIME
So, Ron is telling the boys a story, or perhaps a series of stories right now that involve a crystal, our pool and a porthole to another universe opening up when all conditions are juuuuuuuust right.....
I love that Ron has an amazing imagination, and thus the kids do as well. But, now Cedar is beside himself that he has bet each condition and STILL the porthole has not opened for him in the way the story says it did. He is now thinking that all stories have the ability to come true (have you seen "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler yet??).
NIghttime brings another amazing story each night. I think that I need Ron to tell me stories about how a homely maid comes and knocks on our door---asking for nothing more than food and a place to sleep in exchange for being at my beck and call 24/7. And in this dream; I mean story----it all works out smashingly and lasts until we're all a good ripe old age! How much tequila do I have to drink to see this story coming true??
I like cleaning, I like keeping my home a place I can feel comfortable in and that is tidy for the kids---but good grief!!! This has become a total full time job anymore! It is time for the boys to start taking a little list of things that they can be responsible for--things that are easy and perhaps somewhat enjoyable......and then I can take back some time and put it toward reading to and playing with the kids more! We play, we beach, we cook, we build...but I seem to always be looking at the mess in the corner or in the other room, or the kitchen sink while I am trying to have "fun" and it lessens the ability to live in the moment. Something to ask Ghandi about for sure.
MUST READ: Story of B, Daniel Quinn
If you don't read this, you will not understand what the hell I am talking about/thinking about anymore. I have read this 3-4 times in the last 15 years, but now I realize it's not a book in the way most books are....it's a new map. Confused? Good! READ IT!!!
I love that Ron has an amazing imagination, and thus the kids do as well. But, now Cedar is beside himself that he has bet each condition and STILL the porthole has not opened for him in the way the story says it did. He is now thinking that all stories have the ability to come true (have you seen "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler yet??).
NIghttime brings another amazing story each night. I think that I need Ron to tell me stories about how a homely maid comes and knocks on our door---asking for nothing more than food and a place to sleep in exchange for being at my beck and call 24/7. And in this dream; I mean story----it all works out smashingly and lasts until we're all a good ripe old age! How much tequila do I have to drink to see this story coming true??
I like cleaning, I like keeping my home a place I can feel comfortable in and that is tidy for the kids---but good grief!!! This has become a total full time job anymore! It is time for the boys to start taking a little list of things that they can be responsible for--things that are easy and perhaps somewhat enjoyable......and then I can take back some time and put it toward reading to and playing with the kids more! We play, we beach, we cook, we build...but I seem to always be looking at the mess in the corner or in the other room, or the kitchen sink while I am trying to have "fun" and it lessens the ability to live in the moment. Something to ask Ghandi about for sure.
MUST READ: Story of B, Daniel Quinn
If you don't read this, you will not understand what the hell I am talking about/thinking about anymore. I have read this 3-4 times in the last 15 years, but now I realize it's not a book in the way most books are....it's a new map. Confused? Good! READ IT!!!
6/1/09
128...128...128...128....128....
I am really feeling bummed out. I have been dieting for 2.5 months now and I lost 20 pounds....however now I stuck totally to the ounce with my weight! Like, I weigh essentially the same in the morning as I do at night, as I do in the morning, as I do at night! Annoying! And the sweating it out isn't changing things, lack of food, change of food etc....I am willing to put ON weight, but something needs to GIVE!
And WOW--it is amazing how much weight our skeletons can carry around. I lost 20 pounds, I seriously have another 20 pounds I could lose...and then, I bet I will still say "i could lose another 20". I guess I just didn't realize how much extra weight I have always carried around. I am back to how much I weighed when I got married---which is great, but I was always dieting THEN as well, so how great is it really??? I have obviously lowered my standards and allowed myself to be content for too long!
I am not feeling content anymore. I realize I have had 3 babies and nursed in total for 11 years--but I have a friend who has done the same thing, and she looks 16! I know, it's not in my genes! that's fine...but I don't look good in Jeans either!
I am a fan of loving ourselves, being the goddess we are within, embracing our inner soul and have our beauty reflect from the inside out. I AM!! But, I also just want to look fit and thin and feel the same. I do feel better having lost the weight. Who wouldn't feel better not carrying around as much weight? And I don't care who is overweight----I actually find women who are more voluptuous--more beautiful!
So, maybe my yoga band in conjunction with yoga and my weekly poop-scooping chores will aid this body in more refinement. I have parents who look amazing in their 60's, so I guess I grew up with a certain picture of health.
Now....where the hell are the chocolate chip cookies??
And WOW--it is amazing how much weight our skeletons can carry around. I lost 20 pounds, I seriously have another 20 pounds I could lose...and then, I bet I will still say "i could lose another 20". I guess I just didn't realize how much extra weight I have always carried around. I am back to how much I weighed when I got married---which is great, but I was always dieting THEN as well, so how great is it really??? I have obviously lowered my standards and allowed myself to be content for too long!
I am not feeling content anymore. I realize I have had 3 babies and nursed in total for 11 years--but I have a friend who has done the same thing, and she looks 16! I know, it's not in my genes! that's fine...but I don't look good in Jeans either!
I am a fan of loving ourselves, being the goddess we are within, embracing our inner soul and have our beauty reflect from the inside out. I AM!! But, I also just want to look fit and thin and feel the same. I do feel better having lost the weight. Who wouldn't feel better not carrying around as much weight? And I don't care who is overweight----I actually find women who are more voluptuous--more beautiful!
So, maybe my yoga band in conjunction with yoga and my weekly poop-scooping chores will aid this body in more refinement. I have parents who look amazing in their 60's, so I guess I grew up with a certain picture of health.
Now....where the hell are the chocolate chip cookies??
5/30/09
5/29/09
Lack of Privacy on the Suncoast Homeschoolers Area Forum
So I don't believe blogs are a place to bitch and moan, nor a place to diss people.............that said.....I add the following:
I am on a public homeschooling forum. There is a section that says "to send a private message"....so therefore one could assume when you send a message it is "private". Huge leap of faith there I realize, but this is a forum to keep us Sarasota area homeschoolers in touch, to keep us connected without the need of constant phoning...so we all pretty much know each other and would only be sending private messages to people we know.
Ok, so the main host overseer can SEE everything we do on the forum.....she can read every private post, she can see every single thing. By now--most of you are saying "yeah, everyone knows THAT....", but I never knew that and I know that most of the other moms have NO idea about that either. Not everyone is computer saavy to that level. My idea of computer saaviness is that I can turn it on, find my email, find my favorites list and hit the enter button.
SO......this same person who moderates this forum has blacklisted 1 mom with a negative "reputation"....a bunch of red buttons and a nasty saying when you mouse over it. This is frightening, that 1 person has so much control and ability to ruin someone's reputation based on her OWN opinion.
I think this is all outrageous. We all know that "big brother" is watching us, right? But, "Big Momma"? Come on!
So, now those of you that are reading this and are on the Suncoast area homeschoolers list......yes....nothing you do is private.
Ok---yeah...I am bitching and moaning. But the bottom line is that when I see something that I feel is underhanded and sneaky, snaky and hateful, I have to call it. HAVE to. I feel badly for each one of us---well, maybe not all of us were as trustworthy to think that our info and messages were safe and "private" like the text states; but those of us who were trusting....we have all been duped.
And I like this person who is in charge of all this. This is probably the point that makes me feel so uneasy...that I have had good feelings for someone who has taken up to 100 people's trust and trampled it. Perhaps I have a terrible sense of judgement! I am disappointed and bummed out. Totally sorry that I am posting this----but it is info that people need.
This draws to a conclusion my posts that bitch and moan...we now return you to normal programming.
I am on a public homeschooling forum. There is a section that says "to send a private message"....so therefore one could assume when you send a message it is "private". Huge leap of faith there I realize, but this is a forum to keep us Sarasota area homeschoolers in touch, to keep us connected without the need of constant phoning...so we all pretty much know each other and would only be sending private messages to people we know.
Ok, so the main host overseer can SEE everything we do on the forum.....she can read every private post, she can see every single thing. By now--most of you are saying "yeah, everyone knows THAT....", but I never knew that and I know that most of the other moms have NO idea about that either. Not everyone is computer saavy to that level. My idea of computer saaviness is that I can turn it on, find my email, find my favorites list and hit the enter button.
SO......this same person who moderates this forum has blacklisted 1 mom with a negative "reputation"....a bunch of red buttons and a nasty saying when you mouse over it. This is frightening, that 1 person has so much control and ability to ruin someone's reputation based on her OWN opinion.
I think this is all outrageous. We all know that "big brother" is watching us, right? But, "Big Momma"? Come on!
So, now those of you that are reading this and are on the Suncoast area homeschoolers list......yes....nothing you do is private.
Ok---yeah...I am bitching and moaning. But the bottom line is that when I see something that I feel is underhanded and sneaky, snaky and hateful, I have to call it. HAVE to. I feel badly for each one of us---well, maybe not all of us were as trustworthy to think that our info and messages were safe and "private" like the text states; but those of us who were trusting....we have all been duped.
And I like this person who is in charge of all this. This is probably the point that makes me feel so uneasy...that I have had good feelings for someone who has taken up to 100 people's trust and trampled it. Perhaps I have a terrible sense of judgement! I am disappointed and bummed out. Totally sorry that I am posting this----but it is info that people need.
This draws to a conclusion my posts that bitch and moan...we now return you to normal programming.
4/25/09
Spring is here, we are moved (kind of) and it is time to get back to being busy with making the animals happy, the kids happy and the property work for us. Our 7 chickens are hysterical...the oldest one, Peaches, follows our voices around the outside of the house. She'll perch up on the sill of Ron's office window for hours, pooping and scratching the ground to get attention.
I have to start paying attention to all the people I know who have just had or are about to have babies! I have been so other-directed with this move, that many things have slipped through the cracks, that being one of them. Time to get some banana bread and soups cooked--maybe some lasagna as well. Quiche would be great if my darn chicken would lay an egg again! She is all stressed out over the move and is with-holding the goods!
I still cannot figure out the chemical balance and cleaning of the pool---we've had pools for years, and it's never been easy. Tempt. is about 76 right now, not near warm enough for me, but the kids are enjoying it daily. I will NEVER live without a pool again in FL, unless of course I am living gulf-front and have immediate access to that!! (hoping, yes!)
I miss my family of course, and thankfully have been busy lately to not stew on things that cannot be changed. I cannot understand how come they aren't all clammoring to come to FL though! Ron's family comes all the time to visit, and then sadly pack to go back to the northeast, but my family is busy....busier perhaps??? And they are more creatures of habit, as am I.
I have a revision on wine for all you wine drinkers! The Hess Cabernet has gone up to 17.99!!!! and is still worth every penny. I have to say the Rodney Strong is still my fave when it comes to wines under $20, it is hovering at 17-18 a bottle too. What the F??? Are people not drinking anymore, why is the cost of wine up so much? I do NOT want to have to resort to beer drinking, or sadly and worse--drinking cheap, shitty wine! Just have to cut back to a few glasses a week and let my bottle last that whole time. Do NOT think you are coming to share that 1 bottle with me either...and hands OFF honey!
As to my fat loss.......I have lost about 16 pounds and still manage to look the same! What is up with this??? (Please no one send me your answer to that!) But, still losing about 1-2 pounds a week...would of course like it to be faster, but I am trying to keep to the diet without actually feeling like I am dieting---yeah, laugh now, I know it's almost impossible!
I have to start paying attention to all the people I know who have just had or are about to have babies! I have been so other-directed with this move, that many things have slipped through the cracks, that being one of them. Time to get some banana bread and soups cooked--maybe some lasagna as well. Quiche would be great if my darn chicken would lay an egg again! She is all stressed out over the move and is with-holding the goods!
I still cannot figure out the chemical balance and cleaning of the pool---we've had pools for years, and it's never been easy. Tempt. is about 76 right now, not near warm enough for me, but the kids are enjoying it daily. I will NEVER live without a pool again in FL, unless of course I am living gulf-front and have immediate access to that!! (hoping, yes!)
I miss my family of course, and thankfully have been busy lately to not stew on things that cannot be changed. I cannot understand how come they aren't all clammoring to come to FL though! Ron's family comes all the time to visit, and then sadly pack to go back to the northeast, but my family is busy....busier perhaps??? And they are more creatures of habit, as am I.
I have a revision on wine for all you wine drinkers! The Hess Cabernet has gone up to 17.99!!!! and is still worth every penny. I have to say the Rodney Strong is still my fave when it comes to wines under $20, it is hovering at 17-18 a bottle too. What the F??? Are people not drinking anymore, why is the cost of wine up so much? I do NOT want to have to resort to beer drinking, or sadly and worse--drinking cheap, shitty wine! Just have to cut back to a few glasses a week and let my bottle last that whole time. Do NOT think you are coming to share that 1 bottle with me either...and hands OFF honey!
As to my fat loss.......I have lost about 16 pounds and still manage to look the same! What is up with this??? (Please no one send me your answer to that!) But, still losing about 1-2 pounds a week...would of course like it to be faster, but I am trying to keep to the diet without actually feeling like I am dieting---yeah, laugh now, I know it's almost impossible!
3/23/09
Flotsam and Jetsam
Ebb and Flow. Flotsam and Jetsam... Wax and Wane....
All ways to talk about our rhythm as humans, the rhythms of the earth and the universe. My kids have made me see the importance of the ebb and flow. There are times everything is great! The kids seem happy, fulfilled, and on a road toward wholeness. Then there are other times NO ONE is happy, everyone seems devoid of fulfillment and we all seem splintered. But it seems to be the splintering that brings about the wholeness. Like the circle of life, only smaller circles.
And I dance around their ring, like a planet circling the sun. I try to find their missing pieces and fill their hearts again, mend their egos and spark excitement in something new. I create a flicker and hope that with their energies, the flicker will burst into full flame...if even for a day.
Sometimes, with the boys, all they might get is 1 day of enjoyment out of something. It might be a huge stack of hay bales lined up for their archery target. It might be a new book from the store or the library that sends their imaginations over seas and through time. It could be new dress up clothes and songs to dance to. Sometimes it is a piece of fruit we've never eaten and want to experiment with.
Unschooling has demanded of me a tremendous faith in THEM. For me to let go of what *I* think, want, hope for FOR them, and to allow them to think, want and hope FOR themselves. Then, if they let me in to their circle, I can dance with them. There is not a need for me to always be teaching, or trying to teach. The universe unfolds.......this is a fact. Nothing stops time, nothing stops the world from seeping into their lives through every single crack it can find. And through THIS, they learn. They question, I answer....I usually answer with a question. I don't know!! I realize, I don't know!!! So many things that school teaches us, that we assimilate and call "knowledge" still leaves us not knowing.
I love questioning. I love feeling like I could live a thousand lifetimes (and I hope to) and still question, learn and grow. So far, most of the assumptions I have made about "life" have proved to be false. Assumptions are based on our experience at the TIME, so of course as we continue down the road and our experience broadens, we prove many of our assumptions wrong. I like this.
Sawyer is 14--I remember being 14 all too clearly. This is the age it all starts to come together.....the time when you realize that YOU can make a difference---in the world, in your life, in someone else's life....it is the time you realize that what you do; who you ARE effects the world. The pebble in the pond theme of life!! It's so great to finally see that!
And at 41 years old (gasp, who can believe it??) I see that it doesn't HAVE to be how I effect the WORLD, but how I effect every person I meet and know. THAT matters, that motivates me, that challenges me to be a better person. And my kids are first in line for when I am at my best. They are also first when I am at my worst, which as a stay a home mom, with kids at home all day with me....worst cannot factor in very often..if ever.
Flotsam and Jetsam are what happens at the beach when the waves come in and then go out. IT is what is brought in by the waves, and then what is taken back out. What floats in the water. It changes every day. Every moment, it is rearranged and then brought back in to the shore in a different pattern of things. The Jetsam is "goods dropped overboard" in the sea. Yes....goods thrown overboard out of my life. Don't we all drop things from our life daily? Maybe you drop worrying about something or someone. You drop a task you were "assigned", a stress you'd rather do without. And into the Flotsam goes the Jetsam and continues swirling and rearranging in the water of our lives. I like this image. It is helpful to know that even though I have seemingly "dropped" doing my pottery for some time, it does not mean that it is not still available to me. It is. It is right there...........pick it up! I can if I want to!
THe ebb and flow. There are plenty of days there ain't no flow at all!!! But believe me, the tide will change, and when it does, the flow will continue...it is a force of nature.
3/21/09
A little Spring Fever
Here she is, stronger and happy....what a relief and how exhausting of a week we had. We really miss SoulCat, but Spring is so sweet, that we are feeling blessed just to have her! She likes being outside with the other 2 goaties, just playing and sniffing...she tries to eat the grass but cannot figure out how yet! She also wants to jump up on the bottom of the canoe like the big goats, but it looks as high to her as the roof of our house is to me! LOL So, Spring Fever is the queen around here!
3/13/09
Gobble, Gobble
Who breaks down in their car and has these guys next to them on the road? Pretty cool, huh?? They were hysterical. If one of the boys "gobbled", they gobbled right back....in unison every single time! It was soooo funny! And they kept puffing their feather out..sounds like when you have one of those crepe paper balls that is folded up and then you unfold it really fast? Sounds exactly like that. They fluff out, then relax a tad, and then if you talk or make a move, they will ruffle again. I never had so much time before just dedicated to admiring turkeys. Think I will drop turkey as well from my list of things to eat.
3/12/09
Voodoo
Ok, who the hell is sticking pins in a doll with my name on it?
At 7:30 a.m. Thursday, the little boy goatie got sick and couldn't even stand on his own feet. His eye was turning grey and looked infected. So, I called the breeder, things got worse---SoulCat looked like he might die. I called the "goat-vet" and we rushed him over there. He had very little glucose, had a scratched cornea and needed injections, antibiotics, and more and more. Looked like he might be doing very well for the day, making a comeback, he ate a lot...then at 6 a.m. the next morning the little guy couldn't stand again, and I tried glucose, milk, love....nothing worked. He laid in my arms for 2 hours and died. I really felt very attached to him, and I will miss him. I hope he has joined his mother and sibling in spirit. I am never bottle feeding again...I am putting all my time and love into the little doe to make sure that every minute counts and that she lives....although I have realized that *I* have very little to do with it..nature took its course with SoulCat. And he had no choice, nor does the doe-other than being bottle fed, as one mom died and one mom walked away. My heart cannot take more heartbreak though...it just cannot.
Seriously, whoever is poking those pins in my doll---it's time to stop. Your voodoo worked!
At 7:30 a.m. Thursday, the little boy goatie got sick and couldn't even stand on his own feet. His eye was turning grey and looked infected. So, I called the breeder, things got worse---SoulCat looked like he might die. I called the "goat-vet" and we rushed him over there. He had very little glucose, had a scratched cornea and needed injections, antibiotics, and more and more. Looked like he might be doing very well for the day, making a comeback, he ate a lot...then at 6 a.m. the next morning the little guy couldn't stand again, and I tried glucose, milk, love....nothing worked. He laid in my arms for 2 hours and died. I really felt very attached to him, and I will miss him. I hope he has joined his mother and sibling in spirit. I am never bottle feeding again...I am putting all my time and love into the little doe to make sure that every minute counts and that she lives....although I have realized that *I* have very little to do with it..nature took its course with SoulCat. And he had no choice, nor does the doe-other than being bottle fed, as one mom died and one mom walked away. My heart cannot take more heartbreak though...it just cannot.
Seriously, whoever is poking those pins in my doll---it's time to stop. Your voodoo worked!
3/6/09
Best Friend
Best friends...I have THE best best friend there is! You know, I had good friend in school growing up, but truly my best friend has surpassed the friend status and is part of my family. My grandparents loved her, my parents love her, she is the moon-mother of my oldest son, and truly--is ALWAYS there to listen to the secrets, the nightmares, the stresses, the laughter and the tears of my life. I owe her BIG TIME! If I ever win the lottery, I will give her half, immediately! She is THE only person I can really lay it all out for, the big, the bad and the ugly...and she still loves me. Without judgement, without sarcasm, etc. Thank you Diane!
We were laughing about how in our "old" age, we adore chocolate, red wine and knitting--hanging out with other girlfriends, it's the best. What sucks is that Di lives in AZ, and we live in FL, and that leaves several thousand miles between us. I have a camper and no reason not to visit her regularly, except that we're both poverty stricken--that totally sucks, and is one of our favorite bitchy conversations...it might be the only thing that keeps us sane. It seems ridiculous that we have to pay money to bitch about our lives to eachother (LOL), but it's the cheapest therapy there is!
I wish we lived near each other, I wish we'd always known eachother....but the comfort is that we will always know eachother--one of those "until death do us part", and we REALLY mean it!!
We were laughing about how in our "old" age, we adore chocolate, red wine and knitting--hanging out with other girlfriends, it's the best. What sucks is that Di lives in AZ, and we live in FL, and that leaves several thousand miles between us. I have a camper and no reason not to visit her regularly, except that we're both poverty stricken--that totally sucks, and is one of our favorite bitchy conversations...it might be the only thing that keeps us sane. It seems ridiculous that we have to pay money to bitch about our lives to eachother (LOL), but it's the cheapest therapy there is!
I wish we lived near each other, I wish we'd always known eachother....but the comfort is that we will always know eachother--one of those "until death do us part", and we REALLY mean it!!
Silicon and Botox
Last weekend at the baseball opening ceremonies for Cedar, Sawyer (14) looked around for awhile and said "Mom, you're like the only one here who doesn't have some form of plastic surgery."
Mmm. Compliment or Horror? Florida has it's high percentage of plastic and botox that's for sure...and I have always been one to prefer all things natural. HOWEVER..........
Because it's pretty affluent here, of course there will be more money spent on personal things, like Coach purses (another thing I really hate), plastic surgery and designer shoes. The "Handbag women" are everywhere--everyone I know with few exceptions has a purse that costs more than a dental visit. I have rejected that whole "need to place my purse UP on the table" thing, and have stuck with my Kelty Kids Hiking/diaper bag all these years....until recently someone very wise pointed out that *perhaps* I could graduate toward a big REAL purse?? Indeed, but still it's got to be under $40. I guess I have brought this issue up a few too many times, and one year Ron bought me a modestly sized purse of some obnoxious brand for Mother's Day. I had him return it...I really have to draw the line somewhere!
Now, when it comes to Botox---the jury is out. I used to say "who the hell would purposely expose their bodies to botulism?", and recently I look in the mirror and answered the question myself. But, I have to assume I will always be smart enough to take care of my overall health and not give into the desire to always look 35ish. I hate to place judgement somewhere I have never been, on people who's shoes I have not already walked in......I embrace women taking care of themselves, loving themselves, honoring themselves. I just wish the pressure to BE all these things we feel we need to be, was not so extreme.
I hope for a future where we can all move beyond what is on the outside. Barack being our President is a great first step--we've got a long way to go on many fronts still. I am thankful DAILY for Obama. I love just saying out loud "President Obama". It is so great. But, I miss him being on the road--the excitement of the campaign, the awareness and conversation that it brought.
Mmm. Compliment or Horror? Florida has it's high percentage of plastic and botox that's for sure...and I have always been one to prefer all things natural. HOWEVER..........
Because it's pretty affluent here, of course there will be more money spent on personal things, like Coach purses (another thing I really hate), plastic surgery and designer shoes. The "Handbag women" are everywhere--everyone I know with few exceptions has a purse that costs more than a dental visit. I have rejected that whole "need to place my purse UP on the table" thing, and have stuck with my Kelty Kids Hiking/diaper bag all these years....until recently someone very wise pointed out that *perhaps* I could graduate toward a big REAL purse?? Indeed, but still it's got to be under $40. I guess I have brought this issue up a few too many times, and one year Ron bought me a modestly sized purse of some obnoxious brand for Mother's Day. I had him return it...I really have to draw the line somewhere!
Now, when it comes to Botox---the jury is out. I used to say "who the hell would purposely expose their bodies to botulism?", and recently I look in the mirror and answered the question myself. But, I have to assume I will always be smart enough to take care of my overall health and not give into the desire to always look 35ish. I hate to place judgement somewhere I have never been, on people who's shoes I have not already walked in......I embrace women taking care of themselves, loving themselves, honoring themselves. I just wish the pressure to BE all these things we feel we need to be, was not so extreme.
I hope for a future where we can all move beyond what is on the outside. Barack being our President is a great first step--we've got a long way to go on many fronts still. I am thankful DAILY for Obama. I love just saying out loud "President Obama". It is so great. But, I miss him being on the road--the excitement of the campaign, the awareness and conversation that it brought.
3/4/09
Blank......This is what I am drawing right now. I usually have an opinion (imagine that!) or something that is nagging at my mind. When I sat down, I had something to say...surely I did, or I wouldn't have bothered logging on with the same email and password in order to enter the private sanctum of my own blog...but now.........???
So, for inspiration, I looked at a photo to upload...our camper..that's totally inspiring. I love to camp! Not tent camp or anything totally scary like that, but camp, in a camper, outside somewhere with bathrooms! We adore Fort Wilderness, Disney of course. That place is amazing! At Halloween, everyone decorates their golf carts to the hilt, tricks them out with lights, scary soundtracks, blowups and heads and things on the top, lights and skulls trailing off the back--it is so cool! The trick-or-treating there is the best, and we have lived in some amazing t-o-t hoods in the past but I am here to tell you that Ft. Wilderness tops them all. There are sooo many people camping, EVERYONE puts up their decorations like it's their HOME...we're talking popups, blowups, lights, coffins, graveyards, the whole shabang, and it is FUN! The kids walked maybe 2 loops and had enough candy for a year! Thank goodness they give most of it away the next night to the sprite fairies...in turn they get a toy. Toy for treats I guess!
I hate tent camping, perhaps due to never having been introduced to it as a child, and when I first tent camped, I was in college and it was Memorial Day. We went to the mountains of course (New Mexico) with beer, fishing poles and my bathing suit for tanning by the river.........there was a blizzard and in the morning I was leaving my tent behind under more than 3 feet of snow and running to the car in my shorts and tank top! The WORST night of my life. So, we went back to ALBQ., where the sun was hot and everything was great and we finished our memorial day weekend like the rest of America--in front of a grill!
Now--our pop up is great. We used to have an enormous trailer --27' for heaven's sake, but that wasn't fun--we never felt like we left home! I love to hear the breeze, the birds chirping and the fellow campers bickering...you cannot do that when you are stuck inside of a moveable house! Our pop up does not have the hideous floral patterns of most...it is all steel gray inside and black. It has a sink, small fridge, toilet and shower stall...never will we use these I am sure, as we camp only where there ARE BATHROOMS! The bathrooms, BTW, are amazingly clean at Ft. Wilderness. They are gorgeous and spic and span, and you never see anyone doing any work there--they must do it all under the dark of night. Truly worth every dime...it is also safe enough that the kids can bike around your loop and you feel ok with that. And Sawyer is old enough now that we let him take Hawken on bike down to the store or the pool without us. SO, the kids have a bit more freedom than they might elsewhere on a vacation....and truth is, it is more like a vacation than a camping trip. But, we take food and grill and try and keep it as camperish as possible. That means lots of s'mores in our house! And wine!
Blank again.........enough's enough I guess. I think the mention of s'mores did it.
3/2/09
Goat Nursery
I have never bottle fed anything....not my 3 boys, not an animal...until now. We got 2 baby pygmy goats--Soul-Cat's mother died birthing his twin, and Spring-Fever's mom just up and walked away from her. So, here I am making formula, sterilizing nipples and bottles.....and bottle feeding these sweet babies! I still agree that formula stinks, as does the poop that comes out the other end!
Sawyer is taking on a big responsibility. At 14, he doesn't have much responsibility, except the usual taking care of himself, being kind to others and helping out when he feels like it at home. He really wanted a bottle fed goat from the beginning, but after reading the benefits of the babies staying with their moms (exactly the same benefits as humans) he decided to just wait until one of the babies grew up and weaned, and then he would have his little toddler. I was very proud of him making that decision, because at his age, things tend to revolve around what HE wants, rather than what might be perceived as best. So, anyway he is taking this on quite well! He does the last feeding for BOTH goats at around midnight, and then he gets me up in the morning when they awaken and I make the days formula for them. Sawyer feeds his doe, and Cedar, Hawken and I are feeding Cedar's goatie. That little guy is still a bit hard to bottle feed--he keeps looking to stand and push UP against his momma, amazing what comes through our evolutionary codes...
So, it is like a nursery school here this week! We had plans--Spanish Point and then a symphony thing at Venice Library to do, but they are back to back, and I don't think we can do that. We really shouldn't leave the house at all this week. I am thinking we can maybe manage the morning Spanish Point, but have to blow off the Symphony. I am not one to have so much scheduled anyway it is something that I have realized doesn't work out really well with the kids. They need to eat, they need to have their out breath---when I over schedule, they melt....it's like a minivan commercial with kids screaming and food flying and the mom tearing her hair out. I do NOT need to have the starring role in the scenario!
Ok, so the kids are now arguing about who is walking the older goats (we're talking 3 and 11 months old here....) I think they are just born to be bickersons. As much as I try to mitigate their in-fighting, it's like their goal in life to find something to bicker about. Perhaps this is my fault? Add that to the loooooong list hanging in the laundry room...HA!
Sawyer is taking on a big responsibility. At 14, he doesn't have much responsibility, except the usual taking care of himself, being kind to others and helping out when he feels like it at home. He really wanted a bottle fed goat from the beginning, but after reading the benefits of the babies staying with their moms (exactly the same benefits as humans) he decided to just wait until one of the babies grew up and weaned, and then he would have his little toddler. I was very proud of him making that decision, because at his age, things tend to revolve around what HE wants, rather than what might be perceived as best. So, anyway he is taking this on quite well! He does the last feeding for BOTH goats at around midnight, and then he gets me up in the morning when they awaken and I make the days formula for them. Sawyer feeds his doe, and Cedar, Hawken and I are feeding Cedar's goatie. That little guy is still a bit hard to bottle feed--he keeps looking to stand and push UP against his momma, amazing what comes through our evolutionary codes...
So, it is like a nursery school here this week! We had plans--Spanish Point and then a symphony thing at Venice Library to do, but they are back to back, and I don't think we can do that. We really shouldn't leave the house at all this week. I am thinking we can maybe manage the morning Spanish Point, but have to blow off the Symphony. I am not one to have so much scheduled anyway it is something that I have realized doesn't work out really well with the kids. They need to eat, they need to have their out breath---when I over schedule, they melt....it's like a minivan commercial with kids screaming and food flying and the mom tearing her hair out. I do NOT need to have the starring role in the scenario!
Ok, so the kids are now arguing about who is walking the older goats (we're talking 3 and 11 months old here....) I think they are just born to be bickersons. As much as I try to mitigate their in-fighting, it's like their goal in life to find something to bicker about. Perhaps this is my fault? Add that to the loooooong list hanging in the laundry room...HA!
3/1/09
Cedar and Baseball........
Baseball in Florida is year round! So, spring ball began about 2 weeks ago, and Cedar's opening day was yesterday. This picture is with the Cincinnati Reds in Sarasota (their home for spring training) and their opening day! They invite the kids in the community out to learn new skills and hang out with the team! I think Ron had a better time even than Cedar!
Cedar is the smallest kid on his team, probably the youngest by a few months too...but he hits that ball a base hit every time at bat, and is catching the balls that come to him in the field and getting them "to first base immediately"! Sawyer is also playing this year, but on another field and another 12 miles away (hear me groaning??) in Sarasota, so we will be challenged this spring for sure! Most of their games are the same nights and they all have games on Saturdays....so, if you were thinking of inviting me over on Saturday, forget it! If you are thinking I will be entertaining you on your Florida vacation, forget it! I had forgotten how all-encompassing baseball is, with games AND practices!
On another note, I have been thinking about WHY the heck people say that their children have to "get used to being in the big-bad world...learn those life lessons now..." What world are they living in? Is this how we teach our children now? That they live in a big bad world, and only shit happens?!! I "get" what they are getting at when they say these things. I think sometimes people just repeat stupid sayings and phrases because they are like a part of our culture now, but when their heads are nodding and their lips are smacking along with those phrases, I know they buy it; hook, line and sinker! (see? another american phrase ingrained in us. How many can you come up with??)
So, if I "buy" this theory, my children should be getting used to being bullied, name-called, ignored, cast away, picked over, picked on, and generally picked apart! This isn't why I had children, to watch them ease their way into misery and get used to it. IN fact, I have not stood back and allowed my life to be miserable...although there are times it IS, it is not the norm that I live.
How about allowing our kids to enjoy being young, enjoy being loved, eating, playing, learning, exploring, being coddled and even.........indulged!! Check out this great unschooling website that focuses on parenting, I think it's great! I don't think there's a time limit on learning "life lessons", in fact I learned from my grandparents that learning never ends. They were learning new lessons at 89! And when I am thinking about this in the dark of night, my real truth is that the love we share as humans is the only REAL thing that exists. The rest; the jobs, the schools, the sports, the accolades...they are the fluff.
2/18/09
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